Today is a big milestone for me. I am writing my one hundredth blog post. The very thought takes my breath away. I am humbled and amazed.
I began writing in January, and I have to tell you, I really thought I was just writing for myself. For my eyes and God's alone. Even my kids didn't know much about it at the beginning.
I had wrestled with God through a great storm of life. It had been a rough year. And once I had fully surrendered my situation to God, He began teaching me new things. I learned what it was to be truly empty of self. I learned total dependence on Him. I learned to approach the Throne of God in a different way. I learned what it was to truly give up your own life and abide in Him.
God gave me a verse. There have been other verses during other seasons of my life, besides my life verse. When I was a teenager, God gave me Psalm 27:10. I could write a book about how the Lord helped me through that verse. There have been others. But in January, God gave me 2 Corinthians 12:9. It became both my challenge and my comfort.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
It surprises me as I look back on those posts written in January and February. I was writing to others without even realizing it. The first three entries were laying the foundation for salvation, and were not about my struggle at all. I needed an outlet for ministering to others. There was a fire deep within my heart that I didn't know what to do with. So I wrote.
Early in March God began speaking to me about publishing and making the website live, so that others could see it. I was not excited about the idea, I have to tell you. I am a very private person and do not crave or enjoy a lot of attention. So, sharing what was becoming a blog was not of great interest to me. I still thought of it as more of a journal, not an outreach. But God had other ideas, and he stirred in me an old memory.
Probably close to twenty years ago, I had been invited back to my home church to speak for a large mother/daughter banquet. There were many in attendance, but few who knew me personally. I had been gone from there for many years, and the church had many new faces. There were lots of women there from other churches as well.
After speaking, many ladies approached me, saying kind things (as is always the case, even if you stink, lol). But one woman, who I had never met before, said something to me that grabbed my heart and got my attention that day.
She said something to this affect: "Those were wonderful things that you said about being a wife and mother. But that's easy for you. You are married to a preacher."
I remember being stunned! Is that how I came across? Is that what you perceived of me? Are you kidding me? I was fighting a battle every day that not one living soul knew about, by my own choice. Things were not easy for me. I am struggling just like you, lady. But I had not reached her in a way that could help her. I had kept so much of myself in reserve that she was not able to gain strength from what God could do in the storm. Because I had not shared even the tiniest glimpse into my own life.
I have never felt like more of a failure than I did that day. And I have never forgotten it.
So God brought that to mind in March. It went from being a painful thought to a burden. A burden to share my heart in a different way than I ever had before. I knew other women who lived as I had, silently. I knew why. I still cannot talk of that. Maybe I never will be able to. But I knew that God could use me to help those women.
God wanted me to share my struggles. Not the situation itself, but what God could do in the storm. He was going to teach me how to reveal what He wanted without compromising my integrity. That was a scary thing, but I've learned to trust Him with the words He chooses. I have learned to trust Him with all of this. And any glory that comes from any it is all His.
So now, here we are, seven months and a hundred blog posts later. Nearly ten thousand people have pushed that little button to follow the blog on Facebook. All except three hundred of them are not even my Facebook friends. They are strangers. I am amazed at what God is doing.
Writing has helped me more than anyone. I pray we've helped some. I receive incredible messages from people. They encourage my heart, and I lose myself in trying to help them. God has been so close, and so dear and sweet to me. If He should have me write all day long for the rest of my life, I'd still never be able with words tell you how wonderful He is to me.
But for as long as He wants me to, I will try. :)
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